Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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