its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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