ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
