he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize