i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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