my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
