I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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