You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
