don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
worst night to have a conscience
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
