she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
