:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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