my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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