I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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