Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
