i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
