my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
