My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
