i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
