Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
