I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
