he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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