U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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