Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
