I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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