she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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