I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
3 2 1 whiskey
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
