did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
