he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
