the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
