Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
