I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
