So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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