So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
