I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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