please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
