Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
