I wish I could punch you in the face.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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