That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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