you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
