I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
