how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I don't think brook has ever known best
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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