The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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