If i come over, it means nothing
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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