i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
