If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
