Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
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