i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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