My first STD was from a foam party
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
