I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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