her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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