I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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