I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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