Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
