I will die if light touches me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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