Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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