Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need a beard to bite.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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