It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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