I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
